The Hills, 1st edition.

I have made an executive decision that I hope will rekindle my blogging. I am going to start giving you my weekly take on The City and The Hills. Because nothing can produce an onslaught of delicious word vomit like unreality-reality-tv shows. Here it goes.

Disclaimer: All views expressed in the following post are completely supported and of the writer of this blog and probably some other people too, at least until we change our minds. But, for now, we stand by all the ridiculous truth we say because we feel it is our duty, here at whawhawhitney to comment on the horrifying, wonderful, sad, beautiful, plastic world of Mtv unreality. Thank you for reading.

The Hills:

This week on The Hills, we have Kristen and Brody "just having fun" after their totally coincidentally timed break ups, Spencer realizing the complexities of surgeries, Audrina and Justin Bobby mumbling in the same mess, and that cute little Enzo kid ratting out Spencer for a (gasp) nother Speidi fight. Oh, and a Jayde and Kristen battle.

First, let's address Speidi because, quite frankly, I'd rather just be rid of them. First of all, all the money in the world apparently couldn't buy Spencer a simple lesson in human anatomy, but then again, I think we were all shocked to find out a vasectomy involved thinks like needles and scissors and rather tame cartoon pictures of the scrotum, so Spencer, being the brave man he is, runs out of that doctor's office faster than you can say, "I'll be on the surreal life in a few years." All that's probably well and good, since his friend Douchey McGee recommends not telling Heidi (way to look out for scum bag bros everywhere) which all goes fine and well until little Enzo (the one redeeming character in Speidi world) spills the beans...or nuts, as it were. A fight ensues, further proving both they shouldn't be married and they should be in front of cameras.

On a side note, this stint did burden me with a new cause. I'm officially starting a charity called FSP...or Faux-lebrities Shouldn't Procreate. At the top of our hit list? Spencer Pratt.

Then there was the Kristen/Brody love rekindled. Or at least, they had a lot of fun going on dates paid by Mtv. First, let me say I like Kristen. I have pretty much the whole way (save Laguna Beach season 1, but we weren't supposed to like her yet). I like that she's direct and has a little touch of bitch crazy in her. It makes both want to be her friend and watch the drama that follows in her life. Brody on this other hand, I'm not so convinced on him. I mean, the dude used to be BFF with Spencer Pratt...how reliable can he be? And he wears to many baseball hats with button up shirts, and if that's not a flaming dude bro alert, I don't know what is. Still, we watched them go to dinner and talk about Jayde and we watched them go to his mom's house (WOAH...no words there) and drink and talk about how cute they were and all in all it seems rather suspect to me. But, hey, if Mtv is footing my bill, I guess I'd hang out with a dude bro too. Boring filler!

Then there was the big fight! You could feeling it be prepped with cue cards every time Kristen spoke! And then it happened...and then 10 seconds later it was over. The biggest disappointment of the show. Mtv, please don't be cheap. If you're going to go to all the trouble of getting two people who will fight in the same room, could you buy them so more alcohol first? Jayde is crazy though. So, maybe she had pre-funked, but Brody diffused the situation entirely too quickly for someone who is that shady. I was hoping for a slap or a punch or something.

Audrina. Justin Bobby. Mumble, mumble. Illogical ramblings. Justin never making eye contact. Audrina crawling back for more punishment from a guy in combat boots and slicked back hair (ew) whose name makes him seem less rock and roll and more white trash. I know this show doesn't have writers [ ;) ] but maybe we could get a new story line there. Still, one of them is done. Finally forever. Yeah, we'll see.

So, here's the scoring for this weeks episode. On a scale of 1-10, unless otherwise applicable.

Clever editing: 8 (I had to use the rewind on tivo to see whose hands shot out first...don't worry, it was Jayde's).

Speidi's marriage believability: -56. (Seriously, how much is Mtv paying them to be married?)

Enzo's Cuteness: 10.

Level of Crazy Bitch: 7 (Jayde always ups it, but to be honest, I was just disappointed with the whole thing. Audrina's a disappointment to the crazy bitch in us all. Seriously, egg Justin Bobby's house or key his car or steal his combat boots).

Level of Douche Bag: 14 (Too much Spencer, Brody owns too many hats, and no matter what Douchey McGee's real name is, he needs a hair cut, shave, and vasectomy).

Overall Entertainment: 6 (After Audrina and Kristen's fight last week, this week was just lack luster).

Look for The City review in the next few days. Until then...

Adios, Bitches.