A big, fat mess.

I am a mess.

I am tired. I made homemade frosting tonight. To say it got everywhere is an understatement. It flew, ironically on a roll of paper towels, expectedly all over my shirt, in the sink, on the trash can. I'm sure I'll find more places tomorrow. It's like spending time on the beach and finding sand for days.

My heart is all over the place. Trying to settle in and not settle down. This is an odd and enchanting life.

I should go to bed. I have an endless day in front of me tomorrow. My feet is tired. I'm half brain dead. And if I don't sleep soon, I'll probably come down with a bad case of tourette's.

My life is a mess. But, it's going to be ok.

If.

If I had daughters, I would name them Penelope Lynn and Josephine Ever. I would tell Penelope that she bore the same middle name as her Grandmother and that was important because her Grandmother was fierce and funny and smart and wise and compassionate. But, I would also tell her that the name Penelope was all hers. And she could choose to make that name mean whatever she wanted it to mean. And I would tell Josephine that I gave her the name of my most favorite fictional character ever. And that was important because Jo was loyal and smart and followed her heart and stood up for what was right. But, that her middle name was Ever because she held endless possibilities within her. That she could make her life to be anything she wanted. Then I would kiss them on the forehead and pray an infinite prayer for their little hearts to grow big and wide and full.

If I had daughters, I would be up all night. I would try and try and try to be a better woman for them and even now sometimes when I want to pick the easy way, I think of Josephine and Penelope (or whoever they may be) and I try to make a decision that would make them proud. I try to learn the lessons from the bad lessons so I can hold them when they cry and try to answer their hard questions about beauty and truth and life and all those questions I am still asking in desperate attempts to straighten my question mark curled body into something that can lie still once in a while.

And if I don't have daughters, I'll find some anyway.

Wishing and Dreaming

I am officially exhausted. If I didn't have the foresight to have taken Friday off, I think I would melt into a pile of tears and mush. I am exhausted.

I wish I had time and mental space to write here more often. I wish could let things roll off me better this week. I wish it were so darn hot outside right now (It's been over 100 degrees when I get off work for the past week and a half). I wish, I wish, I wish.

But, all wishing aside, what I really wish, is that I was right here: