If.

If I had daughters, I would name them Penelope Lynn and Josephine Ever. I would tell Penelope that she bore the same middle name as her Grandmother and that was important because her Grandmother was fierce and funny and smart and wise and compassionate. But, I would also tell her that the name Penelope was all hers. And she could choose to make that name mean whatever she wanted it to mean. And I would tell Josephine that I gave her the name of my most favorite fictional character ever. And that was important because Jo was loyal and smart and followed her heart and stood up for what was right. But, that her middle name was Ever because she held endless possibilities within her. That she could make her life to be anything she wanted. Then I would kiss them on the forehead and pray an infinite prayer for their little hearts to grow big and wide and full.

If I had daughters, I would be up all night. I would try and try and try to be a better woman for them and even now sometimes when I want to pick the easy way, I think of Josephine and Penelope (or whoever they may be) and I try to make a decision that would make them proud. I try to learn the lessons from the bad lessons so I can hold them when they cry and try to answer their hard questions about beauty and truth and life and all those questions I am still asking in desperate attempts to straighten my question mark curled body into something that can lie still once in a while.

And if I don't have daughters, I'll find some anyway.