I am a very blessed girl.
It would seem as the tidal waves of life come swooping through the ocean, and I find myself frozen on some beach of indecision, my God is my help. You see, since graduating 1 month and 3 days ago, I have been on the edge of constantly breaking down. Fears of inadequacy and other friendly qualls seemed to be hiding just beneath the surface of my skin. And then, Wednesday happened. And to say it happened is not an understatement, because nothing really happened. It was Wednesday, I worked, went to the library, and then cried.
I mean, I wept. And I wish I was a beautiful crier. Someone who looks graceful and regal, but I, alas, am a snotty nosed, red and scrunched up face, hyperventilating crier. It isn't graceful; it isn't regal. But, it is real. So, I cried for an hour or so, cried for all the things I thought I couldn't do, but needed to, cried for all the times I'd given up, cried for wanting to give up so badly, cried help, cried please, cried. Then, as I lay in bed, wondering what to do, I got up paced around and walked to the kitchen. I looked out the window on our red door onto our porch and saw it. A red bird. A red bird sitting on the chair on our porch looking at me. We held a gaze, I listened to its whispers, then it flew away.
Deep exhale. Deep inhale. Peace.
I don't know if you remember about the red bird. A poem by Mary Oliver (see "I'm a Calendar Girl" in January, I'm not savvy enough to put in a link). But, my heart was flooded. I will be ok. Then, I was reminded of my own words earlier in the day in an email to a dear friend.
I was reading my Bible this morning (a small miracle in itself, I suppose) and today's Old Testament reading comes from Deuteronomy which is kinda fun to say, really. It's part of Moses's song and I am reading it but not really reading it, you know, when all of the sudden a verse pops out at me and I just started crying. It was "In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and care for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye." And I just remembered. I remembered that no matter what happens in August, God is and that is not the most important thing but the only thing. And the fact that God loves me is more. And I know I know this, but sometimes it just becomes another thing I know and then suddenly I really know it again. And it's more beautiful than the last time because in all that in between time I see how God was still there, faithfully working even when I was winey and grasping at the straws of the illusion of control. I mean, things are stewing.
I will rest in that. And I'll be on the lookout for red birds and reminders.
2 comments:
Gosh, I love you! I know that life is changing dramatically for you right now but I know you are strong and you will make it through. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
I saw a red bird today. I too have experiences with red birds. I often have been sitting at my kitchen table, gazing out the window and have seen a red bird, it is amazingly distinct and elegantly dressed, definitely set apart. I wonder, why? I'd never seen such a sight before, where I've come from, there were no red birds to be found. And always, only one. I wondered, is it the same one, coming back as the seasons change? It is truely the only bird I've ever taken notice of. Today was different. I was driving alone, wishing I wasn't, alone that is. Feeling like I couldn't face another Father's day with no father. Not after Mother's day, with no mother. Thinking, I'm an orphan, at 40 something. Never saw that one coming. My mom will have been gone one year on July 5th. It doesn't get easier, not now. I just miss her more. My father has been gone 12 years now, sad but not the same. He was absent most of my life. Just a yearning there, for the father I wish he had been. I too am blessed, and feeling guilty for being so sad. I have no right. God has blessed me with wonderful children, husband, good friends. But, today He was there to comfort me, to remind me, I'm not an orphan. I've been adopted by the king. He's my dad. So, I said, Lord, tomorrow I will remember You. How you found me, forsaken. How you lifted me up and gave me a respectable and honorable life. I want to Honor you on Father's day, and to be grateful for the life I've been given in Christ Jesus, where all is forgiven, all is possible, all is offered; to have love and be loved, what more is there. Whitney, you are like the Red Bird, you have a song to sing to life, to put in a heart, to show the beauty of Christ to the lost and forsaken world. You are distinct, set apart, of earth and of heaven. you are the one to brighten someone's day, bring someone hope, share something magical of the creativity and wisdom that God has gifted you with. You are a youthful, vibrant young lady and certainly, a wise soul. Don't forget who you are. I know you. Sorry, I haven't been there for you like i should have been. I love reading your blog. It reminds me of myself.
Love you,
Deb Cooper
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